Earthshine on the 5am Moon

Spent the weekend doing family xmas parties and merrily messing with ornaments, desserts, relatives, and thinking about xmas movies. That last bit brought me to popping in Love Actually into the DVD player for myself and little cousins to waste into the night with. I only remember seeing the movie once before, the year it came out, but it came off very different. I'm pretty impartial to the film, though I did enjoy it, but what strikes me is my lack of insight into the brighter aspects, while hinging on the less happier ones. At this point the film is arbitrary, aside from the fact that is spans a large number of intricate relationships, all with various outcomes, but mostly positive.

Perhaps, depressed is a close feeling though it doesn't quite fit; the feeling I had after the film was one of closing decision. Socially, this time of year has yielded a view of my position; abstracting my friends on the holidays, lacking assertion in gifts and cards, and basically resonating in a lonesome state. I don't feel lonely, nor do I question whether I am part of some or multiple pairs which have yet to occur (romance). My past comes to haunt me for flavor, but things almost a decade ago are beyond me now. The real position reveals itself:

Do I maintain my status quo of the vagabond, the lone wolf who loves the moon, but has yet to find the flower? Or has my behavior regressed so far that I feel forced to socialize for my own benefit and satisfaction of people love? Seek to abolish my strength in being alone with hopes of joining another(s) to share memories with, or remain with time frozen somewhere in the past 9 years.

The issue is that I am not dedicated to the same solo-monk lifestyle of 5 years ago. I am not training regularly, questioning my physical limits, nor analyzing the similarities in life that flows through the willow, myself, and nature in general. Not wondering, but not knowing. Dis-fullfilled, I've grown indifferent. If I died today, I wouldn't mind for indifference, but if I had died 5 years ago I would not have minded for contentness. I am not content, and seeing myself express a mindless death of indifference is questionable.

Maybe there is something behind this, the course my life is in school and various information/media intrigues. I don't live with spontaneous excursions, thrills of slightly illegal acts (ie urban off-roading), and all that stuff of the early 2000s. I, who am never bored, am bored on a grand level.

Bored of never being bored, supervenience may not function here. There is no single answer or fix, but I have nil. Curious, so very curious.