Earthshine on the 5am Moon

Spent the weekend doing family xmas parties and merrily messing with ornaments, desserts, relatives, and thinking about xmas movies. That last bit brought me to popping in Love Actually into the DVD player for myself and little cousins to waste into the night with. I only remember seeing the movie once before, the year it came out, but it came off very different. I'm pretty impartial to the film, though I did enjoy it, but what strikes me is my lack of insight into the brighter aspects, while hinging on the less happier ones. At this point the film is arbitrary, aside from the fact that is spans a large number of intricate relationships, all with various outcomes, but mostly positive.

Perhaps, depressed is a close feeling though it doesn't quite fit; the feeling I had after the film was one of closing decision. Socially, this time of year has yielded a view of my position; abstracting my friends on the holidays, lacking assertion in gifts and cards, and basically resonating in a lonesome state. I don't feel lonely, nor do I question whether I am part of some or multiple pairs which have yet to occur (romance). My past comes to haunt me for flavor, but things almost a decade ago are beyond me now. The real position reveals itself:

Do I maintain my status quo of the vagabond, the lone wolf who loves the moon, but has yet to find the flower? Or has my behavior regressed so far that I feel forced to socialize for my own benefit and satisfaction of people love? Seek to abolish my strength in being alone with hopes of joining another(s) to share memories with, or remain with time frozen somewhere in the past 9 years.

The issue is that I am not dedicated to the same solo-monk lifestyle of 5 years ago. I am not training regularly, questioning my physical limits, nor analyzing the similarities in life that flows through the willow, myself, and nature in general. Not wondering, but not knowing. Dis-fullfilled, I've grown indifferent. If I died today, I wouldn't mind for indifference, but if I had died 5 years ago I would not have minded for contentness. I am not content, and seeing myself express a mindless death of indifference is questionable.

Maybe there is something behind this, the course my life is in school and various information/media intrigues. I don't live with spontaneous excursions, thrills of slightly illegal acts (ie urban off-roading), and all that stuff of the early 2000s. I, who am never bored, am bored on a grand level.

Bored of never being bored, supervenience may not function here. There is no single answer or fix, but I have nil. Curious, so very curious.

Flying always brings something to my attention. A couple months ago it was that My Bloody Valentine is brilliant in-airplane listening ... drowning the noise. This time around, it was the idea that old, black and white comedy films (preferably silent) are the perfect flying flick.

A while back (perhaps 10 years ago), I booked a flight to Salt Lake in order to go snowboarding, of course I didn't tell my parents until a few days before I left; jaw-drop reaction. On the flight I watched a b/w Young Frankenstein, it was amusing. This time I peeped The Great Dictator, and it made me realize that b/w comedy matched flying for some reason. Nostalgia perhaps?

Anyway, flying gets more interesting every time around.

Spent 2 hours playing with a simple interface/implementation model, and the only thing I realized is... Objective-C is AAARGH. Why is it so difficult to implement objects?

I was not able to simply declare an interface class, then implementation, and instantiate with [MyClass new]. Whaaa, eeeh, NAAAAAAA? mew. The problem is that I wasn't extending the GNU Object class, but why should I? Why is that necessary?

Personally, this has turned me off, because I shouldn't be required to extend classes I didn't write. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong, but I wasn't able to manually allocate/instatiate an object either using malloc, etc.

Who knows....

I unexpectedly received a call from my dad last night, he needed help moving a bunch of heavy furniture, and basically... I was the only possibly choice. Quite reluctant, I had to agree, but was over it by morning. So this was today, which ate in about 6 hours into the day. Rough, but he still had a bunch of small things to move with the waifu, which brings me to the status.

This past May, a new little brother came, a year after my dad married [a fem younger than I]. Jaden is pretty awesome, he's like a lead bullet and gets smilie often, and surprisingly he's rather quite. It was very nice to see him today, and though I'm local, I don't make enough time to visit.

While the moving was hectic, visiting was very pleasing, and so was seeing my grandma, since it's been months and months. She came with her hubby, and a friendly one tiny macho-mite cousin, Logan. He was a super-surprise since we're pals and all, plus... he sports the same lightning curls as I did, but his hair is f'ing amazing. This kid has a basketball-sized, blazing white afro, and it's just the hairstyle every mother wants on their 3-year old. It's awesome.

So yea, the situation is a little odd, but it was a nice day. Most terrible quote, via my dad in reference to the baby, "You may have to raise him if I'm not around." lolwat says I.

I had some wild dream last night, and I cannot figure out the "influence." Let's just say there was some sort of military agenda I was adhering to. I distinctly remember a caravan of massive orange and black ships hovering over the water as they traversed a river.

There was a group people, whom I was part of, and we were to be following or catching up with the caravan as it passed. I don't think we were part of the caravan, but we weren't adversaries or anything; escorts perhaps? The attempts of catching up were rather vicious, which is why I awoke, but I remember how freaked I was while we stood on a river dock. Viewing ropes, like those found in naval anchoring, trailing in the water behind the caravan, that seemingly had an agenda of their own and were soaring to the dock and snatching members of the group; like the tentacles from 20,000 Leagues.

Anyway, makes no sense to me. Feels like something that would rise from a Bones original production, but my yesterday consisted of nothing similar.

I walked in an hour ago... (thinking of Staralfur)

45 hours before that, I was walking out of the Sacramento Int'l. Everything in between was gorgeous. The occasion was my brother's wedding, and it was quite magical. It was formal, and I do mean Country Club, Italian, hired string quartet, Pachelbel's Canon, servers, loads of champagne and H'orderves.... dancing.

Possibly the most amazing aspect was the family and friends who gathered, and I was finally able to meet, especially the bride. She was stunning and sweet, Princess Leia-esque (literally), and I'm very happy they had the big day, after this was a blossoming love for over 20+ years since childhood.

Still, I will never be able to see the occasion in the eyes of the many connected souls whom I was able to meet, all who know my brother and the family much more extensively. But, I look forward to a better understanding of the lives leading up to Saturday night.

I think the ultimate concept I learned, and believe after this experience, is that biology is arbitrary. It is thanks to Mr. Ray's speech (brother's father) and speaking with him before leaving, that I understood every moment worth living from his eyes. My brother is truly blessed, and those who have been close to him for these 35 years are blessed equally.

So I missed 23 years of knowing my brother's world, yet the future experience still awaits, and it is the experience that counts.... unforgettable.